Rejection, Failure, and the Art of Bouncing Back

I joke with my friends that I approach dating like I approach school, business, or even side projects: with determination and a plan. Last year, I went on almost a dozen first dates. I was also rejected for dates, broken up with, or just straight up ignored at least 3x that much if not much more. It happens.

It happens in school too and work.  I’ve had clients leave for whatever reasons at my different companies. I’ve had professors give me sub-par grades. And to be quite frank, I sometimes have to give them out to my students.

If there’s something I’ve learned as an adult, it’s that rejection and failure sting, but they don’t define us and we shouldn’t let them weigh too heavily on us.

One thing that I’ve observed in dating is that there are those who take rejection with grace, and there are those who don’t. I’m not saying we should be happy about rejection–it’s only human to feel sore, disappointed, angry, annoyed, confused, humiliated, bewildered, or whatever. But if we want to create a world in which we put ourselves out there, we also have to accept the idea that some people may find that we’re just not their cup of tea.

Now that I’m in my 30s, I feel like the best thing is to take a few days to let the hurt die down before reacting at all–or writing down your thoughts and then leaving that piece of paper in the bottom of your drawer until you stumble upon it again and wonder why you were ever so upset.

Hedge Your Bets

How do we cope with rejection and failure? One technique I recently heard about was betting against yourself–and it’s an idea that really interested me. If you win/get the date/whatever, you lose money/something else of value, but if you lose, you gain the money/thing. It can be a way to motivate people between friends, and it means that even when you lose, you’re winning.

Make a Game Out of It

Another example of this is Rejection Therapy, a game in which you set out to be rejected once a day for whatever reason–and thereby make it easier and less painful to be rejected in the future. If you’re interested in it, listen to NPR’s story on this fascinating exercise.

Look at the Upside

Something I’ve learned in the last few years is that if someone doesn’t want to accept me fully, then I probably wouldn’t benefit from being with them either. This is my attitude in dating, but it’s also my attitude in work. If you listen to my (very mildly) “adult language” podcast, Girls Poop Rainbows and think to yourself that you don’t want to work with me as a consultant, then you’re not my type of client anyway. Sometimes it’s good to remind yourself that rejection is just another way to weed out the bad eggs.

What are your methods for coping with rejection and failure? Leave a comment to share your thoughts.